Facts to consider when telling a partner you have herpes

Submitted by a Tainted Touch reader – Facts they list when telling a potential partner.

1. Approximately 25% of the population has genital herpes and 80% of them do not know they have it.
2. Carriers of herpes may never have had an outbreak. You can have herpes for years before you have an outbreak…or never have an outbreak.
3. People with herpes should know what an outbreak feels like coming on so they can know if they may be contagious. Just because they don’t have open sores doesn’t mean they aren’t contagious.
4. Herpes can be other places besides on your genitals.
5. Type 1 herpes is from cold sores and while it is harder to pass this to genitals, it can be done. That is what I have. The cold sores don’t have to be open on the mouth.
6. Genital herpes can be passed to a mouth. But about 80-90% of the adult population already has Type 1 herpes in their mouth, even if they don’t get cold sores. My doctor believes that if you have 1 type of herpes you can’t get the other but she may be wrong.
7. Genital herpes really only matters to women who are going to have babies. (However people with herpes are at higher risk of getting aids). Aside from that, it is mostly a bother.

Well, you may want to check my facts but this is what I have learned and what I tell my partners…not in such detail but what I think they need to know.

This being said, it is a miracle how under promoted herpes is as a problem in our society.

Relationships with People Who Have Herpes

We conducted interviews with people who do not have herpes. We wanted to get an idea of how those who don’t have it view people who do.

Here’s the first in our series.

I dated a woman who has herpes. She didn’t have the courage to communicate to me about her STD in a honest, trusting and intimate conversation. She wrote me a letter about her herpes that was completely unreadable and expected that to be the end of the topic. I had to do my own research about the disease. I believe because of that, we never developed a level of trust that made me feel safe about the issue or the relationship. The way the topic about her herpes was handled affected the relationship from that point on. We are not together anymore. My advice for anyone considering getting involved with someone who has herpes or any std is to insist on complete disclosure and honest communication. You have to protect yourself first because if the relationship dissolves you will be left with this problem forever after your former partner is long gone.

I’m a 30 year-old guy. I have not been diagnosed with herpes, but would be willing to date someone with it.

Personal views on how and when you tell someone you have it

You have an obligation to tell your partner 24 hours before you have sex, so they understand the risks. It’s manipulative to tell your partner just before sex, when they’re already hot and bothered.

How and when you’d prefer to be told that someone has it

Tell me early on, but not on the first date. Show me a book or website about how common it is, how most people don’t know they have it, and for how likely I am to catch it if we have sex. Mention how you believe in being honest with your partner. That would strike a home run with me.

What are your greatest concerns?

Catching herpes, of course! As a guy, it’s hard enough to find a date without another strike against me. With a bad case of oral herpes, it might even be visible enough to impact my ability to give presentations at work.

Do you see it as a big deal, breaker or non-issue?

It’s an issue, but it’s not a deal breaker. I would be open to some sexual intimacy, but might delay contact in ways that could lead to infection.

Male to Female Risk of Transmission

Question:

What are the transmission rates of catching HSV2 from Male to Female when you are not experiencing symptoms. I have had herpes for about five years and I have met someone that I am going to have to tell. I am frightened because I don’t know what the reaction is going to be and I really like this girl a lot. I did some research and a few polls taken indicated that people without this condition would most likely not get involved with people that have HSV2. She has already told me that she is very sexual so I don’t know what is going to happen. I constantly hear negative talk about herpes on the radio and in general conversation with my friends. Although, you would be amazed of how many people that I have seen at my job with cold sores. I am wondering if I should just stick with the dating websites for people with herpes or should I take my chances with possibility and embarrassment?

Answer:

According to studies, over the course of one year, from a male with HSV2 to a negative female, if all you do is avoid sex during symptoms, the risk is 8-10%.

The risk further decreases if you also use condoms OR if you are taking antivirals daily therapy. These actions decrease the risk to 4-5%

If you use condoms AND take suppressive therapy, the risk lowers to under 2%.

When you talk to friend, be sure to explain that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 5 men have HSV2 and about 90% of them don’t even realize it. If your friend has not had a type-specific IgG blood test, she should get tested to see if she might be positive without realizing it.

It’s entirely possible that she will not want to take the risk, but the chances are also good that she will be fine with it. I’ve seen lots of people have good results with negative partners. It helps to think positive (not presuming she’ll drop you like a hot potato!) and have the discussion calmly and matter-of-factly. Letting her sense you are secure and informed will invite secure and informed response. Discussing your sexual histories and suggesting you both get STD testing done and then share the results is never a bad idea. Don’t forget it isn’t all about your Herpes. If you don’t have a conversation and hopefully see her test results, you don’t know if she has an STD you’d like to know about too.

No one can promise that the talk can go perfectly, but you’ll never know until you have the conversation.

It could end up being embarrassing, but it could also end up being very rewarding too!

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