Spreading Herpes to a Partner

Question:

I was dating a guy for about two months. Before anything sexual happened we had "the talk". He didn’t know anything about Herpes so I did my best to explain it to him.

He is a professional, well educated 48 year old man. I had been married for 10 years and also in a relationship with a man for 1 year that I’ve had unprotected sex with – both their choice. Neither of these men ever showed symptoms which made me feel better about not spreading it. Although I am fully aware someone can carry the virus and not show symptoms.

I was with this man less than ten times and he chose not to use a condom twice. The last conversation we had was him telling me he had contracted the disease and needed time to figure out how he felt about it.

Up to this point we had a very open honest relationship. I told him I’d give him the time and space he needed. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard a word from him. In the meantime I’ve decided that if he does want to continue the relationship I don’t think I’d be doing it for the right reasons. I don’t see a future with him.

I feel guilty, but also know I did my part telling him ahead of time.

Should I have done more?

Response:

I don’t know the extent of what you told him about Herpes, but you did tell him and he’s a grown up. He made his decision. He could have done more research on his own if he felt he needed more information.

Do you know if he was tested prior to you two becoming intimate?

How was he recently diagnosed?

Without knowing the answers to those questions, I have to wonder if he really did get a Herpes outbreak and if he did, do you really even know he got it from you?

It’s a shame you’re feeling guilty right now. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Obviously I don’t know if he would feel that you led him on–and I’m only talking about your feelings for him and the direction/duration of the relationship, not about HSV.

If there’s no major commitment, feelings change. I wouldn’t feel too bad about wanting to end it if that’s how you feel.

Dealing with Rejection

Question:

I recently started seeing this really, really great guy. All we do is laugh and I truly enjoy his company. I did the right thing, I had the talk the other night because he wanted to move things forward. This was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I had to tell him I have HSV2. He didn’t know what to say. He was actually very nurturing about it and I told him I was going to give him an option that no one felt the need to give me.

He was ok with it that night. Next night, not so much. I could hear the anxiety in his voice. He’s scared out of his mind and I don’t blame him. I assured him I am on suppressive meds and I told him of the stats about passing it on to a negative male. He’s still scared and doesn’t know if he can handle the thought of dealing with that every time we were together. I understand but it just sucks that he felt the same way I did and it’s hard for him to agree to continue a relationship with someone like me, who is infected.

My question, does the feeling of rejection ever go away or get easier? He’s the first I had to tell since I found out 2 months ago and I was sick to my stomach all day thinking of how I would say it. He really is a good person but I totally understand his fears which is why I said it’s ok if he wants to bail. I’d be frightened too.

Answer:

Sorry about your guys change of heart. Did you happen to suggest that he get tested and explain how common HSV-II is and how he could have it without knowing it? I completely agree that it’s anyone’s right to not want to take the risk, and he sounds like he wasn’t being rude about it to you. Unless he gets tested and knows 100% certain he is negative, it’s really like making a decision with only half the necessary information. And does he also realize then that he should be talking about STDs and requesting testing from any future potential partners to avoid this risk that he’s so nervous about?

Like I said, I understand that he’s afraid, but it’s illogical to only be afraid of YOU–the one woman he has encountered who is aware of her status and honest about it. If he’s not going to be proactive with future partners in order to continue trying to avoid HSV. That’s not even considering the issue of receiving oral from women who may or may not have oral HSV.

Dealing With Herpes Rejection

If you have herpes and have the integrity to tell someone about it before you get sexually involved and they reject you because of it, it is one of the most devastating forms of rejection imaginable. Just as bad as being rejected because of your race, or physical disability or anything else not under your control, and just as ignorant and intolerable.

When people tell me their rejection stories I feel for them. Some are so shaken by it that they stop dating for years or ghettoize themselves to only dating others with herpes.

What I say to them is that "He or She was Just not that into You." No one who really wants a person, and I do mean want the person, the whole person and the package that comes with them, will reject them just because they have herpes. Who would want that kind of superficial love anyways?

Herpes is a great litmus test to let you know who really cares about you and desires you.

It reasonable for someone to want the risks and consequences explained to them. It’s reasonable for someone not to be enthusiastic about you having herpes- who would be? But anyone who really loved or or though you were sexy before finding out about your herpes will still think so afterwards.

When you further explain to them that you are managing your herpes with herbal medicine or drug therapy and that you practice safer sex with a condom and an anti-viral gel there should be no reason for them not to want to sex you up right then and there.

What it all comes to is fear. Do not be afraid of being rejected because of having herpes.

Dear member of the Herpes Nation: Hold you head up high. Remember who you are. How special you are. How deserving you are of love and all it’s fruits. Don’t let anyone diss you or make you feel less than important or special. Anyone who wants you must accept the whole package of your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that.

If you’ve been rejected or made to feel “less than” – Remember that although you cannot control what happens to you in this life you can control how you choose to react to whatever happens. You are still a prize and whoever is fortunate enough to be in your life is blessed.

There are plenty of people on sites like Single-Again who have felt rejection at some time or another – it’s not just about dating, it’s about friends, community and caring. Check out the groups and activity that’s going on there.